For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Shower Me, Baby

I've hosted a handful of showers in the ten years (has it really been that long?) since I've graduated from college. This by no means makes me any kind of expert, particularly since each shower has been pretty different. I've hosted showers at a restaurant with just a few guests, at other people's homes with a lot of guests, and at my current home during the holiday season because my good dishes, which I love, are Christmas china.

Sunday, I threw a shower with two other women for a friend who's due with her second child next month. We decided to have a tea. I was quite excited about it. About once a year, I decide to embark on a journey of self-discovery. It leaves me feeling like I know myself a little bit better and have given myself a full mental workout. I think the everyday word for this is baking. That's right. Before packing for this journey going to the grocery store, I conjured up images of hairnets, safety goggles, bio-hazard suits and Bunsen burners. Maybe that was a little extreme. I did announce to the Big Giraffe though importantly that I was off to bake. He inquired what I was baking first, and I announced sandwiches. He looked puzzled. I clarified that baking to me means having to deal with anything that makes a mess on my counters. Placing school projects and mail on the counter also falls into that category. Wow, I really do have a lot of experience with baking!

I had fun with my baking. That's why I like to keep it as the rare treat: it allows to me fully enjoy the experience leaving me wanting to do it again, but not anytime soon. That and the fact that I munch on the extras and thus always leave a baking session feel slightly ill and exhausted.

I'll leave you in suspense regarding the menu for a moment longer. We used several people's tea cups and saucers so that every guest had a unique cup. We also used four different tea pots including mine. In addition to coffee, an assortment of teas, punch and water with limes, we had the following menu straight out of Barefoot Contessa Parties! cookbook which I definitely will be adding to my Amazon wish list.

  • Herbed goat cheese sandwiches*
  • Cheddar and chutney on mini-brioche*
  • Lime curd and strawberries*
  • Lemon bars*
  • Mini fruit tarts
  • Ganache cupcakes
  • shortbread cookies half dipped in chocolate





*Denotes items made by yours truly.

Labels: ,

posted by Alex Elliot @ 7:52 PM   10 comments
10 Comments:
  • At 4/29/2008 4:06 AM, Blogger Goofball said…

    Wow impressive table! That's a lot of effort you've put into it.

    ...but can you explain to me what exactly is a "shower". For me it is simply a bathroom activity, but clearly it has other meanings as well :p. What makes a shower different from a party or guests coming over?

     
  • At 4/29/2008 7:26 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    That's so nice that you threw a shower. I only had a baby shower with #1, I guess people don't think you need stuff for subsequent babies around here!

    Looks like yummy goodies!

     
  • At 4/29/2008 9:32 AM, Blogger Mayberry said…

    Wow! Beautiful table and everything looks delicious. I love the idea of a tea.

     
  • At 4/29/2008 11:17 AM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    How absolutely lovely! I'm sure it was a delightful shower.

     
  • At 4/29/2008 11:28 AM, Anonymous Suzanne said…

    Hey Goofball - A shower is when you "shower" a woman with gifts. Generally, these are when someone is going to have a baby (a baby shower helps them get all the baby gear they need) and a bridal shower (to help equip the bride to set up her new home). Please note that showers usually denote that women are resposible for providing gifts to their female friends, while the guy who is usually on part of the reason that a shower is thrown does not require his friends to give gifts.... (Of course, generally the men do not get to attend the party, either.) Many women, however, are not crabby bitches like me and more appreciate the tradition because it allows them to bond with other women and support them, which is the nice part of the event.

    Anyway, Alex, you did a great job with the shower! Everything sounds and looks scrumptious.

     
  • At 4/29/2008 11:45 AM, Blogger JulietteMerry said…

    Your friends are very lucky that you are their friend. You can have a tea for me anytime. That food sounds delicious.

     
  • At 4/29/2008 12:10 PM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    Color me impressed!

     
  • At 4/29/2008 2:14 PM, Blogger Goofball said…

    @Suzanne, thanks for the info!!! Bridal or baby showers do not exist in Belgium. We just bring a gift when we go to the wedding or when we visit the baby.

     
  • At 4/29/2008 5:04 PM, Blogger skiplovey said…

    That table looks gorgeous and delicious. This post was so funny, I love the way you talk about cooking as if it's a science experiment. Looks like everything turned out great. Maybe you'll try it again next year then?

     
  • At 4/30/2008 12:42 PM, Blogger Sally HP said…

    I am one lucky girl! :)

     
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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Reaching New Heights

The past few days have been beautiful. As such, I've forced myself to get off the couch cheerfully rounded up the kids and taken them to the playground. The first time we were there, my older son (OS) went straight to the slides. My younger son (YS) just sort of wandered around not sure where to go first. He picked up sand, then put it down. He walked here, there and everywhere. Part of walking everywhere was that he walked right in front of someone using the swings and almost got hit. He was so scared he started to cry. After comforting him, it occurred to me that he's never really been to the park before. Alright, yes technically he's been to a park, but not since he's been able to walk and therefore actually play on the playground. This was quickly followed by another realization: I've never been to the park before with two kids who were interested in playing in it. Both kids were interested in different things. I don't really have a definite solution to this right now except for sticking to small parks or parks that are fully enclosed. No words of wisdom here from me. Maybe this time next year I'll have figured out a good system.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: If you're not learning one thing, you're learning another as a parent.

Labels:

posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:15 PM   5 comments
5 Comments:
  • At 4/11/2008 8:44 AM, OpenID FishyGirl said…

    Ever since I had to go to zone defense instead of man-to-man (or woman-to-kid, I should say), I've stuck to small, enclosed parks. My bigs have adjusted that way and they know that they're stuck with the little stuff, and they're okay with it. That's because I lost my oldest (okay, she willfully wandered off, but still) at a large, popular park here where the place is so big you can't see everywhere at once unless you are on top of the drawbridge on the play structure, and there was no way I was climbing up there. When I found her again and found out she'd just decided she didn't have to wait for the other adult to arrive for her to leave to go to the bathroom like I had asked her to, we left. I won't go there anymore unless there are no fewer than 4 adults to keep track of the kids.

    I hope you have someplace small and fun you can stick to. No one should have to go through the heartstoppage I did when we couldn't find her.

     
  • At 4/11/2008 9:16 AM, Blogger Suzanne said…

    I definitely endorse the small park approach. I remember taking my kids (who are 18 months apart) to a big park by myself when they were like 3 and 2; I was in a state of panic the entire time! Where's that cloning device when you need it?

     
  • At 4/11/2008 10:08 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    Yep, definitely need the enclosed parks just to maintain sanity!

     
  • At 4/11/2008 4:27 PM, Anonymous Dani said…

    The only way to manage the bigger playgrounds is to treat it like a trip to the gym. Expect to spend your time running between children. Mine actually love it when I decide I have the energy to do it and they tend to stay closer together because it ends up being a game. They are 2 and 4.

    The rest of the time it's a small enclosed polayground for them and a bench and a thermos of tea for me.

     
  • At 4/12/2008 2:43 PM, Blogger Tracey said…

    Take this bit of advice for every trip, every outing, and any excursion especially to a crowded area:

    Matching. Orange. Shirts.

    And? If you can stomach it? Matching. Green/Yellow. Hats.

    Seriously. I have never lost a kid when they were wearing orange. Especially when they're all wearing the same color. And? If one should happen to get lost? You hold up the spare child and say "He looks just like THIS ONE, only bigger/smaller!!"

     
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Sunday, February 03, 2008

A Funeral, A Plane Ride and Back Home Again

Saturday was my great aunt's funeral. The nicest aspect of the wake and funeral, was that it was exactly what she had wanted. To me, that's all that really matters. While there were parts of both that I was uncomfortable with, I know that the event was about her and not me.

Since I was a pallbearer, we had to be there pretty early. Our older son (OS) came with me to pay respects to Aunt Julie. I was impressed with how well he did. A short while later, the funeral director led everyone in prayers. It was very quick.

The rest of the "white glove club," which consisted of my brother and cousins, and I had our duties to attend to, so the Big Giraffe was solely in charge of the boys. We had agreed ahead of time that if we thought for whatever reason that they wouldn't be comfortable with the funeral, he would leave with them. I wasn't surprised later in the church when I didn't see them. I had heard some laughter at the beginning, but apparently the Big Giraffe took them out the car where they were much happier. Again, the service was really quick, although apparently the Big Giraffe had not felt time was passing quickly enough when he had the boys in the back of the church.

They stayed in the car too when we went to the cemetery. This was actually one part of the event with which I was uncomfortable. I personally didn't want the boys to come in the mausoleum where Aunt Julie was going to be buried. This type of mausoleum has many wings each filled with the remains of different families. The coffins are placed in a drawer, and the drawer is sealed. A plaque with the name and critical dates is placed on the "drawer." I have terrible memories of this place from when I was around OS's age. I remember thinking it was incredibly creepy that people were buried in the walls. Since my great aunt Val had already announced that she wanted everyone to tour the mausoleum, I thought it was better for the boys to avoid the whole situation. I know, I know...just because I was scared of something as a child doesn't mean my sons will be. By the same token, it still wasn't something that the Big Giraffe and I were prepared for our children to experience yet. Frankly I didn't see any benefit to them or to anyone else for having them there. Plus anytime I'm agitated or uncomfortable, the boys unsurprisingly pick up on it. The Big Giraffe had no angst about spending another fifteen minutes in the car with the them.

The festivities ended with a family gathering, lunch at a restaurant called New Warsaw (although my cousin and I swear it used to be Old Warsaw). My family is Polish. This is where we always gathered for family reunions. My cousins and I all dislike it because it gives us really bad gas (and sometimes more than gas) because we're not used to eating authentic Polish food. My parents and aunts and uncles all love it. So does the Big Giraffe. I was just grateful that I didn't have to get on an airplane with him and the boys, who also really enjoyed it, afterwards. I had been calling the place Old Diarrhea, but I guess I'll have to start calling it New Diarrhea. The Big Giraffe said it gives new meaning to Chicago's nickname Windy City. Plus, you also get charged $2 if you waste food by not finishing the food on your plate. (We didn't actually see this happen, but they have signs all around the buffet describing the policy.)

We had a pleasant flight home. In fact it was the smoothest flight we have ever had with the boys, in turn leading to a relatively calm and peaceful airport experience back in Providence. Tomorrow we will be back to our usual routine.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Wasting food may be costly.

Labels: , ,

posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:15 PM   8 comments
8 Comments:
  • At 2/04/2008 8:55 AM, Blogger Suzanne said…

    If you are talking about the place on Milwaukee Ave, it did used to be called Old Warsaw. Man, I loved that place. I haven't been there in ages.

     
  • At 2/04/2008 9:18 AM, Blogger Alex Elliot said…

    This one is one Archer. Did they have they have signs up saying you would be charged $2 for wasting food?

     
  • At 2/04/2008 10:48 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    You are smart to follow your instincts on what is appropriate for your kids.

     
  • At 2/04/2008 12:15 PM, OpenID cablegirl said…

    I think it's always a good idea to go with your gut when it comes to how to deal with your children in all circumstances. I'm glad your Great Aunt got the wake/funeral she would have wanted.

     
  • At 2/04/2008 1:29 PM, Blogger Lizzy in the Burbs said…

    Hi, Alex!

    Sounds like you and I had very similar weekends! We had a wake and funeral also, not a family member of mine, but of a close friend. It is so hard with kids, knowing what to do and trying to anticipate their reactions. My youngest is 12, and he asked my husband and I if it would be alright if he didn't have to go up to the front to view the deceased. We told him that was absolutely fine. I was really proud of him, he gave his condolences and shook hands, etc. I guess the only way they learn these things is to experience them. So sorry about your Aunt Julie. It's too bad you weren't in Chicago for a happier occasion, we could have met up for a drink! I surely needed one this weekend as I suspect you did too!

    Lizzy

     
  • At 2/04/2008 2:25 PM, Blogger PunditMom said…

    Hmmmm. A wasted food penalty. Maybe we could reverse that and somehow penalize restaurants for giving us too much food??

     
  • At 2/04/2008 8:35 PM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    I'm glad you all made it safely home!

     
  • At 2/05/2008 9:41 AM, Blogger soccer mom in denial said…

    I just love how you and BG respect the kids and talk through expectations, needs, etc. And you were right to let the boys miss the internment. It is still a scary idea to grown-ups!

     
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Friday, February 01, 2008

The Wake

Today was the big day. Actually it was the "big day" for several reasons. First of all, the Big Giraffe flew in this morning. I had been worried because last night before I went to bed, he told me that some flights into O'Hare were delayed more than 8 hours. It was looking pretty bad out this morning so I was pleasantly surprised to learn that not only did his plane land, but it landed on time. The boys and I were thrilled to see him.

The other reason that it was the Big Day was because today was the wake. We talked with our older son (OS) again about where we were going. The thing is, he's only 4 so it was understandably hard for him to comprehend Quite frankly my 36 year old husband is Jewish and he also finds the embalming and viewing confusing because they are not done in the Jewish faith. We realized that we could only say so much. This was something that OS would just need to experience.

A few people have asked me this past week whether we would bring the children to the wake if one of my children's grandparents died. I am not sure. However, we are out of town and there isn't anyone available to watch our kids. More importantly, we believe that this is just the natural cycle of life and not something to fear. This is of course because we know our kids and we know how wakes/funerals are run in my family. I have a small family that I know wouldn't get offended if we had to leave part way through the wake or funeral because one or both of the kids struggled with it. Another factor is that my boys do not know my great aunt. Yes, OS met her, but that was when he was two. This isn't a sad event for him like it would be if he knew the deceased. YS is only 19 months old. The bottom line is that I am not suggesting that every parent should bring the entire family to a wake; I am saying that we believed it was the right decision for our children in this situation.

We got the wake and the boys were immediately greeted by my family members. They are the only kids. They both loved all the attention. When things settled down, OS and I walked up to Aunt Julie's casket. OS looked at Aunt Julie and it reminded me of when our cats see a dog at the vet's office. His eyes widened, and he snapped his whole body back and then went to go sit with my mom. That was fine. That was also it. The boys spent the rest of the time in the upstairs living area with the Big Giraffe, various relatives, and me. The funeral home had a very nice kids room off of the living room. We had come to pay our respects individually and to be a support to our family. That's exactly what happened.

Even though Aunt Julie's wake was from 1 pm - 9pm, and everyone was planning on being there for most of the time, it didn't occur to us to bring food or ask anyone to bring food when they asked what they could do to help. Another family was having a wake at the same time, and several friends brought platters of food. It struck me that the next time I am struggling with how to help a friend in the face of such a tragedy, bringing food to the funeral home would be a really great way to do so. The Big Giraffe commented that it is traditional to bring food to the home of those mourning in the Jewish faith, when making a "shivah call." It certainly gives those in the midst of grieving one less worry.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Bringing food to a funeral home can be one way to help a family that has just undergone a tragedy.

Labels:

posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:11 PM   5 comments
5 Comments:
  • At 2/01/2008 11:00 PM, Blogger Heather said…

    Good idea with the food. I remember being very hungry at my grandparents' wakes because no one thought about what or when we would eat.

     
  • At 2/01/2008 11:43 PM, Blogger tammy b said…

    you're not alone.....each family needs to do what is best for them. last year my mil passed and we had to travel several states for the funeral - we have 3 children, they were aged 3 (twins) and 5 at the time. had to take them to the whole shebang. at the viewing the twins stayed out with older cousins who didn't want to go in, but my 5yo was adamant on going in. she had made grandma a card and wanted to give it to her and say goodbye. she would have been heart broken had i not acquiesced. i remember my gma dying when i was 5 or 6 and i wasn't allowed to go to the funeral...i still think about it (i'm 41) and i didn't want her to go through that. as for the funeral itself, people understand. if they don't, they should. what better juxtaposition is there than hearing a baby laugh or even cry at a funeral?

     
  • At 2/02/2008 9:29 AM, Blogger Suzanne said…

    Glad that BG got there in a timely fashion. Husband was supposed to leave for Arizona via a connecting flight in Chicago yesterday and his first flight was canceled, his replacement flight caught on fire before he boarded and was thus canceled, and when he tried to board the third flight he was place on, they rescinded his ticket and put a pilot on the plane because there was a severe crew shortage at O'Hare.

    I hope the rest of your weekend goes smoothly! And sorry about my seething response to yesterday's post.

     
  • At 2/02/2008 10:08 PM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    I hope the rest of your trip goes well. Again, my condolences on your aunt. It also sounds like you have a wonderful family.

     
  • At 2/03/2008 10:19 PM, Blogger Mayberry said…

    I'm so glad a potentially really tough day worked out OK. Have a safe trip home.

     
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Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Dead Bird

I would never claim to be an expert at parenting because really I am anything but an expert. I am continually surprised, I'm not sure why, by what works and doesn't work. Sometimes I'm right on the mark. More times than I'd like to admit, I'm so off it's almost humorous. Alright sometimes it's flat out funny. Isn't part of the fun of life to be able to laugh at our mistakes even when our mistakes are about the topic of death? At the request of Mayberry Mom, here's my humorous saga with books on death.

When I talked to the Director of Religious Education at our church the other day, I asked her if there were any books I could borrow. She explained that my older son (OS) wouldn't really be able to start comprehending death until he's about 8. As such, the books on death tended to be written for audiences of eight and up. However, she was happy to lend me several books. She thought one particular book would be very good for four year old OS, although she warned me that I probably wouldn't be too impressed by it. It's The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown (author of Goodnight Moon). It was first published in 1938.

She dropped the books off yesterday and I began browsing through them. I pulled out The Dead Bird. It looked terrible. Two pages had one giant picture and no words followed by two pages containing a few sentences and no pictures. The layout of the book did not vary at all. The pictures were simple, basic illustrations drawn in a small number of colors. The story looked cold, probably because the word "dead" was written into the text about a million times. I put it back in the bag. I was drawn to the books with beautiful illustrations. I particularly liked one in which the little boy asked all sorts of different people what happens when someone dies. I loved the message that everyone views death differently. OS...did not. In fact, he was not impressed by it at all. I tried another book that I thought looked somewhat interesting. Same reaction. After trying all of the remaining books, I eventually had to give in and retrieve The Dead Bird from the bag.

OS was immediately impressed by the big picture on the first two pages showing a blue sky, green grass and one small dead white bird. No words or anything else. The words on the next two pages, which were devoid of pictures said "The bird was dead when the children found it". For some reason, when I read it, I felt the urge to bellow the sentence out just like the voice-over for movie previews. OS did not seem to appreciate my need for theatrics, and he looked at me quizzically. The next two pages showed another picture of said dead bird being peered at by a group of children who (the book subsequently explained) knew that the bird was dead even though it was still warm, because its heart was not beating. OS didn't understand that. I let him feel my heart beating, and then we felt his heart beating. I explained that the bird didn't have that. Much to my surprise, that seemed to resonate.

When the book described the bird growing stiff and cold, I tried not to gasp in surprise. Was this really a kids' book? The word "dead" was used repeatedly just like it had been at the beginning of the book. As I tried to stifle giggles, I put on my most serious voice, or perhaps my most serious non-movie preview tone. I expected OS to respond to how serious I sounded, but he seemed completely unperturbed. So I went on.

The rest of the book described the way the children dug a hole with a shovel and buried the bird. They even put up a marker that read (and again I tried not to laugh) "Here lies a bird." The last line of the book is and I'm not kidding "And every day, until they forgot, they went and sang to their little dead bird and put fresh flowers on his grave." On the next page there was a picture of the little grave in the woods and the kids playing in the clearing.

I was concerned that it might not be long until the children forgot, but OS actually connected with that book. In fact he asked me to read it to him later, and then he "read" it to my younger son (YS). After a while it dawned on me that the book resonated because the word dead was used over and over again. It used simple terms to describe what had happened to the bird, what death meant, and what the bird felt like. The book did not describe the long-term fate of the dead bird, but OS didn't seem to care. Why should he, if he didn't understand the concept of death in the first place? Plus, the book was very clear that the bird was buried in the ground, a fact which OS kept pointing out to me. The only problem I've had with the book is that now OS thinks he can bring his beach shovel to the funeral to help dig Aunt Julie's grave.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: It can be fun to laugh at oneself and a relief to laugh at death.

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Labels: ,

posted by Alex Elliot @ 5:39 PM   10 comments
10 Comments:
  • At 1/18/2008 6:59 AM, OpenID cablegirl said…

    Yeah, I'd try to dissuade him from bringing the shovel. lol

     
  • At 1/18/2008 8:54 AM, Blogger Whirlwind said…

    When our hamster died, we wrapped it and put it in a box. The girls each insisted on coloring a picture to put in the box and then they watched as we buried it in the back yard. They too, left flowers by it's grave. And all last summer (and into the fall, every time I walked past that spot, there were clusters of flowers, weeds and clovers. Even the few times we ventured out this winter, I've noticed dried sticks placed carefully nearby.

    Being "underground" really makes a big impact on kids with death.

     
  • At 1/18/2008 9:16 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    I wish I had heard of this book when our bird died! My kids have been through the death of one bird, one cat and one grandfather. We've always been pretty matter-of-fact about the whole thing and I'm amazed at how unafraid they are of it all. I don't even tell them that I know what happens after death (we talk of heaven more as a 'I hope there is' vs. 'there definitely is').

     
  • At 1/18/2008 10:01 AM, Blogger Mayberry said…

    You have to hand it to Margaret Wise Brown for understanding kids! The line about them leaving flowers every day "until they forgot" is so perfect.

    Thanks!

     
  • At 1/18/2008 12:12 PM, Blogger Heather said…

    Why is it that the things that don't impress us adults speak so strongly to our children?

     
  • At 1/18/2008 12:49 PM, Blogger painted maypole said…

    i have a friend who is a hospice chaplain, and he says that kids need us to use simple words (dead. not "gone" or "Asleep" or "passed away" but DEAD) and not to beat around the bush. And that ultimately they get it much better than we do. My daughter talks about how we used to have cats, but now they are dead. It's just a fact. They are gone. And sometimes kids wonder if we will see the dead again, and express this. As opposed to adults, who KNOW it but don't want to believe, so don't express it. Kids express it, we explain to them, and they move on. Yes, I think kids actually get it much better than we give them credit for.

    Sorry for you loss.

     
  • At 1/18/2008 4:38 PM, Blogger Count Mockula said…

    I am clearly too emotional to be reading this.

     
  • At 1/18/2008 5:26 PM, Anonymous Jane said…

    Well, I laughed out loud. I love the last line. I think my OS would like this book. We talk about it every time we pass a cemetery. Yesterday he wanted to know what would happen if there was a gravestone with his name on it.
    I think it's really important to say DEAD. Asleep is just terrifying! Sometimes I hate Margaret Wise Brown, but I can see that this is a good one for kids.

     
  • At 1/19/2008 5:29 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Thanks for this. I'm always being asked if I know any books to help kids deal with the loss of their pets. This might help, even if it is a bit gruesome.

     
  • At 1/19/2008 10:32 PM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    I liked the "until they forgot" line. ;-)

     
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Talking About Death

One of the really cool things about being a parent is getting to influence a young mind. Yes, of course relatives, close family friends, teachers and clergy to name a few also have this privilege. However, somehow it's different when it's your own child. First of all, I'm able to take the great explanations, leave out the not so great or bad ones, and say things the way I wished they had been said to me. For example in fourth grade when we learned about fractions, the teacher kept on explaining them in terms of a pie. It wasn't until a while later, I realized he was literally referring to a pie. When my kids are older, they're getting a fractions demo with an actual pie. Second, many aspects of parenting offer an opportunity for self-reflection...a chance to stop and take the time to think about how I really feel about different issues...and a way of realizing that my thoughts on a subject are valued. It's sort of like when I first became a mom, I was thrilled to be able to go to parks, have picnics, and visit the zoo. Then it dawned on me that really I could have done those things all along; I didn't need to be a parent to have those experiences.

Back in September my great aunt, who's in her 90's, had a bad stroke. It's pretty much been down hill since then. She was just moved into hospice. When she passes, we will all fly to Chicago to attend the funeral. What should we do about the boys though? Everyone will be at the funeral, and the funeral will be at least an hour from where I grew up so it's not like I can ask childhood friends or their parents to watch the boys because I want the boys to come out to the dinner afterwards with our extended family. I began to think about what I wanted to do and what I wanted to tell them about death.

This led me to a different question however. How do I feel about death? Could I answer the questions that my older son (OS) may ask? Was I ready to get on board this train leading down a track to more and more difficult questions? What about the fact that my kids are growing up in a different faith, Unitarian Univeralist from both my husband, who grew up Jewish, and me, who grew up Catholic. That also means they are of a different faith from most of the people who will be at the funeral. How would I explain it?

I think the trickiest part of this situation is that it is just so personal. I never really thought about it before, but how one handles funerals, how one handles whether their children attend funerals, and at what age they do is deeply intertwined with personal religious beliefs. While I'm not a fan of saying "never," I think it's very hard for the two to be separated. This was one discussion, that I didn't feel I could post on my moms group list-serve.

As I thought further, I began to believe that I wanted both boys to come with us to the funeral. We actually have had some very elementary conversations about deaths already with the passing of a friend in November. It was very abstract to OS. I ended up calling the Director of Religious Education at our church, who is also a child psychologist. She confirmed my gut reaction on bringing the boys to the funeral, and she also dropped off a bunch of books today to help start the conversation.

I'm feeling good about the conversations that OS and I were able to have today. I am way more comfortable with conversations about when he grew in my uterus and who in our family has what genitalia. In fact I can pretty much guarantee that it will come up at the restaurant afterwards!

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Every family needs to assess how to discuss the subject of death with their children.

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posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:40 PM   11 comments
11 Comments:
  • At 1/17/2008 12:56 AM, Blogger super des said…

    Some of the questions he might ask you won't be able to answer, nobody will.

    Good luck though.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 1:53 AM, Blogger Nora Bee said…

    Good luck! I never really got a good explanation of death, and I would love to do better with my own child.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 7:55 AM, Blogger Whirlwind said…

    We didn't take the girls to their great-grandmother's funeral, however, we did tell them the truth. They asked alot of questions (and for a long time after, kept asking more) but we answered as best and truthfully as we could. They were able to deal with it very well, even thought they were sad. They knew she was very sick and that now she wouldn't hurt anymore.

    I was a tad miffed when Meenie came home from school and said the classroom pet went to live at the vet's because it was sick and when the vet made it better, it was happy and he liked it. So they adopted two brother hamsters. I can understand the teacher's reasoning and I will respect her decision (and will not tell Meenie) however, I can't say I agree it was the right one to make. I knwo she didn't want a classroom full of upset kids.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 9:26 AM, OpenID cablegirl said…

    I think it's a wonderful idea for you to bring your children to the funeral. Every mammal has the basic need to have closure with death. Those that are deprived of it tend to show the strain later. Not that I'm implying your boys need closure, but I think it is a great opportunity to teach them that death does not need to be feared and is a good way to gain that much needed closure.

    Of course they will ask many many questions you will not be able to answer, but I'm of the opinion that it is not a bad thing for children to realize that their parents do not know everything.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 9:57 AM, Blogger Mayberry said…

    It sounds like you are being very smart about it. My kids have not really had to deal with death yet but with some very elderly relatives, I know it's coming soon.

    Can you note the books you read, if you like them and think the boys are getting something out of them?

     
  • At 1/17/2008 10:36 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    You are a very thoughtful parent. I don't know that I would have the foresight to plan for this discussion that you did.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 10:41 AM, Blogger Kami said…

    It's a toughie that's for sure... we have been lucky enough to only have to deal with the death of animals so far... and not our own.

    Sounds like you are handling it the perfect way for your family!

     
  • At 1/17/2008 1:24 PM, Anonymous Jane said…

    We've been talking about death at our house lately, and my mom who is a social worker, therapist, and former daycare worker has given me a bunch of books to read with the kids, if you are interested in any titles. I thought the ones at Borders looked AWFUL. (Read overly religious.)

     
  • At 1/17/2008 1:55 PM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    I think one of the important things for kids to realize is that it's another facet of life.

    I lost my sister when C was about your OS's age, and he found ways of thinking about it. He also had a ton of questions. And he finally decided that when people die, they just become a part of "GOD" who is one giant being made up of all the dead people. It was interesting. We also used to say that God was everywhere, so he decided all the dead people we loved were all around us all the time and that was very comforting to him. Probably more comment than you wanted/needed. I must be rambling today!

    On a much lighter note, I'm delighted you'll be joining us for the Writing Game!

     
  • At 1/17/2008 5:19 PM, Blogger Patty said…

    When FIL passed away in 2000 it was my girls first glimpse of death. We explained it as best we could, and they did ok with the wake and the funeral. I think the blessing to having such events is most people enjoy having the younger ones around, and if questions are asked will help answer questions that you can not answer yourself. Some of the answers none of us can give.
    When my Grandma passed away at the age of 96 in 2006 we took my 18 month old to the funeral, when one of her older friends asked at the wake if I was taking him to the funeral the next day, my grandma's oldest friend spoke up, and said Hulda would never forgive her if she didn't, that baby, those babies (including my girls) were her life the last couple of years.

     
  • At 1/17/2008 8:28 PM, Blogger soccer mom in denial said…

    I wrote about the boys asking how do you say goodbye to someone in a casket. It led to me recounting, in tears, the last conversation I had with a friend dying from cancer.

    It has always been important for me to tell the kids what I believe but stress they can believe whatever they want to feel safe. I don't believe in heaven, etc and have told them so.

    You and BG can combine what you like about your traditions and make that the basis of the conversation.

    Oh, and I left something for you at my place.

     
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Friday, January 11, 2008

A Birthday Fit for a Mermaid

Yesterday the Big Giraffe, the boys and I all went to the New England Aquarium. We finally made it to the bottom floor of the jellyfish exhibit. Attempts during previous visits had always failed due to the lure of the penguins in the other part of the aquarium. Armed with an even better line than "Because I said so" (which in all honesty I've been trying albeit not always successfully not to say as both the Big Giraffe and I hated that line as kids,), I declared "Because it's my birthday" to get a sulky older son (OS) to reluctantly come into the exhibit with me. Then we had to drag him out because he enjoyed it so much.

OS has been excited for a long while about my birthday cake. At some point he decided that I needed to have a Little Mermaid cake for my birthday. Seeing as I've never had a Little Mermaid cake before, and it was so important to OS, I thought it was a fabulous idea. After dinner, OS could barely contain his excitement. With some help from the Big Giraffe, OS carefully placed each plastic princess on the cake (Ariel was one of four princesses). OS made sure to keep me updated on the progress of the princess placement. Finally the big moment came. All three giraffes san