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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Cervical Cancer

The week Merlin died was terrible to say the least. A couple days after he passed away, I got a phone call from my ob/gyn. Since when do doctor's ever call with good news? I couldn't figure out why he was calling me at all.

I forgot I had gone in for a pap smear. Every year since I turned 18 I've gone in for one without fail and it's always been negative. This one it turns out was positive. He wanted me to come the following week for a biopsy. Are you kidding me?

Of course I immediately agreed, but I was annoyed. Why annoyed? Well because I felt like it was a waste of time. My period had just ended and I was positive that it was just some irritation from wearing tampons. In fact I had just gone up in tampon size and I had been feeling uncomfortable when I was wearing them. I even talked to the ob/gyn about what my options were for lighter periods because of it. It had to be the tampons. I was even told that irritation could cause false positive pap smears.

For the next week I did an excellent job convincing myself and everyone else around me that the tampons were the culprit. I genuinely believed it. I believed to such a strong extent that I turned a request from my friend to watch my younger son (YS) so that my husband could go with me to the appointment. I was fine. I'm only 33.

You can imagine my shock then when my ob read my the lab report from the pap smear and in there was the line that my cells showed possible signs of cancer. I was so shocked that really that's all I remember him saying. He did the colposcopy and found two bumps and a cyst. He then went ahead and did the biopsy. He said he was hopeful that it was nothing, but that he was concerned. No tampons were not the cause. Rather the reason I had been feeling uncomfortable wearing tampons was probably because of the bumps.

The next week was sheer hell. I barely slept. Between Merlin and now this, cancer seemed to suddenly have broken in our house over night and taken over. What had just happened?

I got the results back last week. I have dysplasia which means precancerous cells. There doesn't appear to be a specific cause other than just sometimes this happens to women. Apparently not only had a biopsy been performed, but he had actually removed all three of the bumps. The good news is that I don't have to go in for another 3 months. The bad news is that it just shows what frame of mind I was in that I didn't realize I had had that procedure. No wonder it hurt so much to walk! I do remember him saying that I would be sore for a while and to take Advil and thinking that was weird because I was told it was just a couple day recovery. When I got the results back I was told that women usually feel discomfort for a couple weeks. I will never again go to a procedure without taking someone with me.

As the Big Giraffe often complains, I have a tendency to minimize and joke around about issues I find difficult. He says it hard for him to know how I'm feeling which is not surprising because I don't really want to know how I'm feeling. I've had my ups and downs over this. Before I knew the results, I felt down. Between Merlin and this, it was just a lot. Plus because I had downplayed my biopsy so much, I didn't really set up a good support system for myself. I made it sound like I was just going in for a doctor's appointment so it really wasn't too much of a surprise that almost all of my friends and my family forgot. And no, the two people who I'm always hoping will call did not.

When I did talk to people, I had to backtrack and do a 180 and explain that really he did find something, no all laughing it wasn't tampons. No, no really all jokes aside, it kind sort of really is a big deal. It reminded me of how I felt after having YS, and I ended up seeing a therapist.

Last Thursday I called my doctor because I was still feeling a little sore and just wanted to double check. I had a long talk with the nurse who voiced concern that I didn't seem to be taking this very seriously. Even though it's dysplasia and fortunately not cancer at this point, it still is dysplasia and that's nothing to make light of. I had been telling people that I may have to have a procedure in April called LEEP which will "remove a chunk of my service". That's my doctor's wording. The nurse said based on my results, I should plan on having it and that way if I don't need it I can be pleasantly surprised. Most likely though I will need it. It's also possible that I will need to have it more than one time. The recovery is two weeks and I will need help with my kids.

Now I'm back to the up and down about being scared. I'm fine but I'm not fine. I'm busy with my kids and my life and there's not too much time to dwell on it. I've gone out for coffee with friends and laughed and forgotten about this. Then I've also had moments when I'm by myself where I think about what the dysplasia means. I've heard from others that this is normal. I'm not sure I'm done having children and depending on where this dysplasia and the LEEP procedures take me, that may no longer be an option. Last night I confessed to the Big Giraffe a little tiny nagging fear. I thought I had all this time to be a mom and go back to vet school. What if I don't? Mostly though, I'm worried about the physical pain from the procedure in April.
posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:58 AM   7 comments
7 Comments:

  • At 12/15/2009 7:47 PM, Blogger Count Mockula said…

    That sounds very scary. I'm not much of a pray-er, but I have a great deal of hope and positive feeling for you in my heart, and I will keep it there. I'm thinking of you.

     

  • At 12/15/2009 10:06 PM, Blogger Count Mockula said…

    I wanted to double-check with my mom before I related this, but she had the same diagnosis and same procedure, and has never had any recurrence in 30 years.

     

  • At 12/16/2009 7:17 PM, Blogger jodifur said…

    thinking good thoughts!

     

  • At 12/16/2009 10:20 PM, Anonymous Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    Every situation is different, but I had a LEEP in my late 20s and still delivered 2 healthy children naturally. It *can* still happen for you.

    Good thoughts, hon. Thinking of you and anytime you want to chat, I'm here.

     

  • At 12/19/2009 11:17 AM, Blogger Sally HP said…

    I didn't forget!!! Also, remember that I'm just right up the road in April...I can relate to the laughing, though because if we don't laugh we'll cry sometimes. Now that we know it's serious, we'll still laugh with you, but we'll know that we have to do more.

     

  • At 12/21/2009 2:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The nurse's assuming that you'll probably need this proceedure is only a probability and part of her reality. It is your body, listen to it and trust it, that's your reality. My prayers and love go to you.

     

  • At 12/22/2009 6:50 AM, Blogger Goofball said…

    well no wonder you took it too lightly when you went in for the check...nobody told you beforehand that the biopsy would be so painfull or that they'd potentially remove bumps. After all beforehand you were confirmed that the pap results could have been corrupted by the tampons.


    Shit though about the results and the potential procedure that will come. i do think it's a good idea to mentally prepare for the LEEP procedure in the spring.

    I'm sorry to hear that such worries and pain and all that comes with it have entered your life. Creepy that a simple test we are used to all of a sudden can fail to give the anticipated result...creepy how our body can fail on us unexpectedly but silently.

    the good thing is though that it got detected, it got already treated and now you did get your focus on the problem. You will be allright, no doctor neither you will give this a chance to develop into cancer. You can prepare now for your future. A good future :)

    Take care. I'm on FB if you need a chat

     
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Name:Alex Elliot
Home:MA, United States
About Me:Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
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