Oprah: Supporting Depressed Women whom Bloggers Leave Behind
Why on earth would I be writing another post about the Oprah show on mom confessions? After a commenter described enjoying reading the mommy blogger discussion about Oprah's show, I was intrigued about what others were saying. Plus, my Google Alerts notified me that I had been discussed on another blog. I now find myself in the unusual position of disagreeing with two fellow bloggers for whom I have the utmost respect, Jodifur and Pundit Mom. I would like to raise two major points.
I see a value in sharing the challenges of being a mommy through as many media as possible.
I do not understand why we need to pit the problems faced by moms against each other.
Let's put Oprah aside for a moment. Sometimes I have to remind myself that a large part of the support I receive as a mother is from the blogging community. I love feeling like I'm not alone in the parenting world. I like that I can laugh and cry along with other bloggers. It gives me the feeling that I'm not alone on this crazy parenting journey.
Why do I need this reminder? Because I don't feel like this a lot in my real life. Sure, I'm in a couple of different moms groups, I just finished a parenting class, and I participate in many activities with my kids. I was even surprised to realize that I actually knew many of my neighbors when I saw familiar faces at the town kindergarten information meeting a couple of weeks ago. As important as these activities are to me, I can't think of a time that I've had a truly honest discussion with another mom at swim lessons about feeling overwhelmed. None of my friends have turned to me at a moms group meeting to say they have trouble mustering up the energy to give their children a bath. Certainly if a mom has said it, it would have been with laughter in her voice and she would have claimed it had been a few days (laugh, laugh, laugh). A close friend who lives far away from me, confessed to me only after watching Oprah's show that she too had gone for a few weeks without bathing her child. There was no laughter in that conversation. Why? This is not just about whining because one of us has a tough day. It is about depression, loneliness, and shame around believing that we are failing to perform what we are taught by society to believe are simple responsibilities that are basic to who we are as women. That depression, loneliness, and shame is psychologically destructive, unless we can find support to help address it.
Those types of conversations rarely happen outside of relatives or really close friends. How many of us had kids though and didn't really know any other moms? Not all of us had those close friends immediately. For me the answer has been blogs. My blog has been the only place where I have been consistently comfortable sharing these sorts of parenting challenges, and the the URLs of my blogging friends are the only places where I have consistently heard about these sorts of parenting challenges.
Since blogs are out on the internet, shouldn't every mom feel the same sort of support that I enjoy? Ideally yes, but realistically no. Many of us did not know about blogs for a long time. There are many parents out there who still don't understand what a blog is. Even some who know about blogs choose not to read them, and they should not be expected to read them. How many new parents are "born" every day? Blogging is only one particular medium for receiving support. It's been a great support for me, and I often encourage others to read blogs. However, blogging isn't for everyone. Some people prefer parenting magazines, some people prefer parenting books, some people like reality TV shows about parents, and some folks even like Oprah. Many less fortunate people are unaware of or unable to take advantage of any of these supports. They assume they are bad parents and suffer alone.
I just finished a parenting class with someone whose six month-old first computer has never left its box. There is just no way she's reading blogs, and it took her several weeks to feel comfortable enough to share honestly about her own experiences. After all, it is a lot easier to admit on-line that one of your children may not be bathed as often as they should be than it is to admit that to people who will see (and smell) them and you at the grocery store. If you admit it on-line, it stays on-line (with the exception of people you know in the real world who read your blog). If you admit it in person, the next time you show up at that swim lesson, well you just don't know who has been discussing you and possibly passing judgment.
I wasn't shocked by anything that Oprah said. I've read about most of those challenges on mommy blogs, but I haven't heard most people say things like that in real life. We know that a lot of moms are depressed, lonely and isolated, and we also know that there are no easy solutions to those problems. In fact, the only solution that I can think of is to talk about it so that women do not feel alone. The fact that these issues are described on so many blogs does not invalidate the challenges faced by non-blogging moms or other new parents.
That leads me to my bigger disagreement with Jodifur's and Pundit Mom's posts (again I think that these women are wonderful bloggers and encourage you to read their blogs, and in their Oprah posts suggest some very important topics of discussion). They both suggested that Oprah misused her power and platform by focusing her "mommy issues" episode on parenting challenges rather than other issues, such as breastfeeding laws or maternity leave. I don't understand the either/or. Nothing prevents Oprah from having one of those shows next week and one the week after. On the one hand, one could argue that Oprah should identify the single biggest crisis on the planet and spend every single show discussing it. Is global warming more important than breastfeeding?
Of course, I have never heard anyone argue that Oprah should only cover a single issue. Rather, there appears to be a perception that she should only cover one "mommy issue." I have yet to hear protests that Oprah had James Taylor on her show last week, when she could have been using her power to bring attention to inadequate protection for breastfeeders and inadequate maternity leave. She should do both. She should bring attention and support to the lonely and depressed and raise opposition to laws that harm the health and welfare of our families. And sure, she can continue to provide entertainment through music and celebrities in other shows. We as mothers need to find ways to widen the amount of attention given to the challenges we face, rather than to pit them against each other.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Even if Oprah's words were not new, they deserve repeating as long as they help one more person receive support.
Well said. I've been working on being more honest about the challenges when I write, because sometimes I simply have a tendency not to want to write too much about the hard parts. But it really needs to be said. We all need to know we aren't the only ones getting our asses kicked by parenting.
As for the Oprah thing, I agree with your take. This was just one show, one angle. You can't address every important issue on every show.
I didn't mean to suggest Oprah misused her power. Oprah can say whatever she wants. My personal opinion is I found it whiny, and boring. That's my opinion. I think the time could have been better spent. That doesn't mean anyone else's opinion is wrong or my opinion is right.
I also find much of my parenting support from blogs. I am also fortunate to have other supports IRL as well, but like you said, some things are not so easy to bring up in a face-to-face conversation.
I do think that TV shows tend to make mothers look very silly when they portray the challenges, like we're a bunch of air-headed women who can't get our laundry done. I suppose that is the nature of TV though. Most people watch it to be entertained, not to see how things really are.
You make excellent points about the need for mothers to be able to find support for the isolation, depression and other challenges we face at different times in our parenting experiences. I thought the Oprah show was somewhat superficial in how the issues were talked about and that it was really more a way to promote products. If she really wanted to show these women bloggers as resources for other women, why didn't she share their blog names or urls? She only did it for Dooce.
You make a wonderful point that I hadn't thought about -- that there are so many moms not plugged into the online community and the need for those moms to have places to share and find community.
I would applaud Oprah if she would address that seriously, as well as the other issues. I think the show gave short shrift to the main issue. I'm not holding my breath that there will be any Oprah shows on FMLA or fair pay for moms. I don't think that's what the advertisers will pay for.
I made a comment a couple of posts ago...but again, I'm a mom of 14 month old twins. Did I mention I'm an American living in France with my french hubby? Not only did I get my butt kicked by having twins, but I felt like I had no support and/or friends here in France. I SERIOUSLY do not know if I would have made it w/o the internet. A lot of twin mom sites practically saved my life. I think we would all literally give our lives for our children, but I do think it's healthy for us all to be able to talk about how friggin' hard the road of mommyhood can be sometimes!
I think some of this is cultural/geographical, as well. This is no slight to MA, just my experience, but my years living in MA were the loneliest I've ever experienced - it seemed very, very hard to break in to your community, and I lived in Cambridge and Amherst and had dealings with Framingham, so I was somewhat geographically spread out.
I find that moms in MI are much more forthcoming. I have much deeper mom conversations with my friends here, although I've had some deep "off-blog" conversations with bloggy buddies. The main thing, though, I think is to get support and if you can't get support where you are, then blogging is even more fabulous than it is for all the other reasons it's fabulous (cross-cultural experiences, humor, beauty, truth, etc., etc.)
I, too think it is great that there is the outlet of blogging for women/mothers to express themselves and share their experiences, etc. However, I do sometimes feel there is a scent of self-pity going on in mothers sometimes. Lots of "woe is me" going on in the blog world, when these stay at home, upper class moms really shouldn't be complaining. Surely our mothers before us had it much worse. I mean, c'mon, they didn't have even television to help babysit their kids!
Seriously, women were much more oppressed decades back, and I think sometimes we need to be a little more thankful for what we've got and where we are in this world because while there is still ridiculousness (if that's even a word!) going on out there with people having issues with breastfeeding in public, we are still very fortunate as women living in America. I guess I'm just sick of hearing the complaining.
But wait, if Oprah has had James Taylor on recently, when is she going to give equal time to Jason Mraz? Cheryl Crow? Honestly, that you felt that you needed to defend your position is a shame. It's a great position you've taken and obviously one that has struck a chord with many, many of the fellow mommy bloggers out there. Support is definitely what we need, and support is important on so many levels. Again, well spoken, well said, well done!!
Ah, the Mommy Issues... It's never-ending, isn't it?
I didn't see the show. I can imagine where it went, though... All I can say is that everyone's experiences are different. I have had many close friends IRL and many online. There are definitely advantages to both. I may not be able to edit my sentences and thoughts with an IRL friend, and I also have to pause, mid-sentence, to hear their opinion (so annoying!). But an online friend can't hug me or go get coffee with me. My online friends don't call to chit-chat and kill the time with me as I'm washing dishes. (Though they could. Want my number?!?)
Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.
Well said. I've been working on being more honest about the challenges when I write, because sometimes I simply have a tendency not to want to write too much about the hard parts. But it really needs to be said. We all need to know we aren't the only ones getting our asses kicked by parenting.
As for the Oprah thing, I agree with your take. This was just one show, one angle. You can't address every important issue on every show.