I enjoy watching Oprah, but I rarely have a chance to watch it. I do read the slides on the website frequently. However, today was our last parenting journey class so I didn't have to cook dinner thus giving me a free hour while the kids were actually playing nicely together. I settled down to watch Oprah.
Today's topic was on talking to your kids about sex. They actually already had the slides up on the website so I knew all about Dr. Berman's controversial advice before watching it. Unfortunately she didn't have much to say about raising boys, but she did give me a lot to think about. She recommends starting out by giving your kids the basic anatomy information, baby making information and then information about feeling good about their genitals. Before I became the mother of boys, I might have felt embarrassed about that last advice, but they learned it quite quickly on their own. We are constantly reminding the boys that it's fine and normal to touch themselves, but they have to do it in private. We've already had the birds and bees conversations with our older son (OS) many times and since our younger son (YS) was along for the ride as usual, he has heard it all too. As for the anatomy? Well, during YS's EI speech screening a couple weeks ago, an evaluator showed YS a picture of two clothed children and asked if he knew the difference between boys and girls. Without looking at the pictures, YS proudly announced that boys have penises and girls have "ginas". They were expecting him to point to the boy picture and say, "boy".
The show talked about a study that O Magazine and Seventeen had done where they found that parents aren't talking to their kids enough about sex. Basically you want to talk to your kids about sex and sexual situations before they happen, hence beginning sex talks very early and giving more and more information as it becomes appropriate. On the show, Dr. Berman also talked with a group of girls. Basically the girls talked about how common oral sex is these days and one of them said it was like the new goodnight kiss. Yes, I have heard that before...well not the kiss part, but every time I hear it still surprises me; the part that surprises me every time I hear it is that this is happening in junior high.
Dr. Berman again talked about the importance of self-pleasuring and how if a girl is taught that this is OK to do, then she won't be dependent on a boy to do it for her; it could actually delay her having sex. I think it is important to teach girls to feel good about their bodies in general but also specifically so that when the time is appropriate she can have a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It doesn't take a sexologist to know that the idea of boys touching themselves is more accepted than the idea of girls doing it. I can talk at a parent group about my kids' bath time explorations and get a few chuckles but if someone mentions her daughter doing the same thing, more times than not it seems that there are uncomfortable chuckles.
I haven't gotten to the big "shocker" yet. Dr. Berman suggested that parents might want to get their 15, 16, or 17 year-old daughters a clitoral vibrator, both to further the understanding that they don't need another person for fulfillment and because many females have trouble achieving orgasms. There were a lot of shocked looks in the audience. I was surprised too. Since Dr. Berman had talked about empowering girls to explore their sexuality and to not feel ashamed about making themselves feel good, I thought she would have said along those lines not to be surprised to if the daughter purchases a vibrator. I hadn't considered that she might advise parents to actually get the vibrators for them. I tried to think about how I would feel if I had a daughter. I would like to think that I would be totally open and honest with her, including discussing vibrators. I think it's great when women take charge of their sexuality or perhaps I should say when they take sexuality into their own hands. I think that I would be alright with my hypothetical daughter having a vibrator in theory, but I'm not sure that I would want to be the one to buy it for her or even to know about it. Then again, maybe after being so open and honest for years, I would be at the point where I would feel comfortable. Given as merely a suggestion, I could see Dr. Berman's reasoning behind it. It's kind of like the way I know what the boys are doing when they stand around in the bathroom for a while, but I try not to think about it.
I wondered why Dr. Berman and Oprah didn't talk about the "safe adult" who is a person designated by the parent as a safe person with whom their child may talk about any concerns or questions if they feel like they can't go to you. The kids and the safe person know that you have their permission to be helping your child and that the safe person would encourage the child to talk with you unless of course the child is in danger of harming themselves or others in which case the safe person would tell you; basically like a therapist. I got the idea when babysitting for a mom who was her best friend's daughter's safe person. In that role, she discussed with the girl the pros and cons of sleeping with her boyfriend and birth control. The daughter decided not to have sex.
I've heard from other people that Oprah did a show on safe adults a couple years ago. Suzanne is our kids' safe person, and I think if I had a daughter, Suzanne might be a good person to have that specific conversation. While the Big Giraffe and I hope that our sons will come to us first with any questions or concerns, we are more concerned about them making safe, healthy decisions and we trust Suzanne.
I did wonder how many parents in the audience who were shocked by Dr. Berman's advice would support handing out condoms to kids who want to have sex. I hope that my kids wait until they are in loving relationships to have sex. I hope that they wait until they're older, but if they do decide to have sex, then I certainly hope that they will be safe. Along those same lines, if I had a daughter and it was a choice between sex and using a clitoral vibrator, I would certainly choose the latter.
I was also surprised by something else left out the show. Again, the Big Giraffe and I are very open with our kids. One of the many benefits to us about beginning our talks with our kids at this age is that it's allowing us to come more and more comfortable with talking about it with them. As open as we are, I have to admit it felt a little strange the first time we read them a How Babies are Made book. Now it's no different than Goodnight Moon.
Wow, I definately did not have such an open and liberal sexual education and still wouldn't feel comfortable having such conversations with my parents about this topic.
I believe it's very important to be open as i don't want to have the same attitude towards my children as my parents had to me....yet I'm not sure if I am ready yet to these suggestions. Oh well, I don't have to be yet ;)
Hi Goofball, I completely understand what you're saying. Like I said, I was surprised by her advice but could see her reasoning. Then again, I don't have a daughter so I don't have to worry about that specific aspect. Thanks for commenting!
My mom was very comfortable talking about sex with me, and I still made bad decisions. Hell, I'll try the vibe if it keeps punkin pie from having sex too young!
Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.
Wow, I definately did not have such an open and liberal sexual education and still wouldn't feel comfortable having such conversations with my parents about this topic.
I believe it's very important to be open as i don't want to have the same attitude towards my children as my parents had to me....yet I'm not sure if I am ready yet to these suggestions.
Oh well, I don't have to be yet ;)