I realized after re-reading yesterday's post that I should have mentioned that there were five or six sessions going on simultaneously during each time slot, plus "Birds of a Feather" Meet Ups, so each participant had to pick and choose what they attended. In other words, 6 people attending BlogHer could have gone to 6 entirely different sessions at the same time. Also, this year there was a designated mommy blogging session during each session block. (No, mommy bloggers were not required to go to any or all of those sessions, but several of them were of interest to me.) One theme that permeated several sessions, both mommy blogging and general, related to writing and boundaries.
In Liz Rizzo's Sex and Relationship session, she specifically asked us if there were topics about which we wouldn't blog. Since this was a sex and relationships session, I was expecting people to say that, well, they don't blog about hot steamy sex. It turns out that while their blogging may not steam up any monitors, many people do blog about sex. As much as those bloggers were all for sharing what happens between the sheets, several did have other boundary limits, like not talking about work or not discussing family situations. I actually impose several boundaries on my own blog. I previously identified them as "things I don't blog about," rather than boundaries, but it is essentially the same idea. Calling them boundaries made them seem more official.
I do not blog about my husband's work. Like any blogger, I'm not sure exactly who reads my blog, and my husband's work business is his own business to share if he wants. I don't think I've ever posted about it, and I don't foresee doing it in the future. That one seems pretty obvious.
However, the more I thought about some of my other boundaries, the less sure I became that they are really firm and solid boundaries, rather than something like inflatable bumpers in bowling alleys which allow you to hit the pins without gutter balls. (The bowling metaphor is my own spin on things; it did not come from BlogHer.) These are things that are rarely the central focus of a blog post, but they do sometimes get mentioned peripherally. My biggest inflatable gutters are my kids or, more specifically, photos of my kids. I have posted some in the past, but I don't tend to do it too often. I also don't use their names. Another gutter is my everyday social life. For example, I have had my ups and downs with my moms group since I've been part of it. I tend not to write about the group's meeting topics and activities, good or bad, but after reflecting on this for a few days, I think I might start to post more. I won't ever bash anyone or even post about a specific person though because that to me is a hard boundary, not an inflatable gutter.
Yeah, yeah so we all have boundaries. Big deal. Except it is a big deal as your kids get older. Several bloggers debated about whether your kids' stories ever become solely their own stories or always remain your stories too. After all yes, my older son was potty trained and being potty trained is his story. However potty training a child is my story too. I heard several different perspectives from bloggers who are parents of teenagers. Some felt that they shouldn't blog about their kids. Others' kids loved that they blogged about them. It seemed that many of the kids also blogged about their parents! I think that's one of those areas that is probably a very personal and individual decision depending on the family. I'm sure there's lots of ways to go about doing it too. I have no idea how I'll feel when my kids are teenagers much less how they'll feel.
In the meantime, a boundary I've always had is to not tell intentionally embarrassing stories about my kids. That's a hard one though because what is embarrassing to one person is not to another. So perhaps I didn't blog about one of my children taking off his diaper in the middle of a park and running around bare bottomed, but I did post about how one of my kids made a pet rock whale while his classmates made cats and dogs. To me the former story might be embarrassing, but the latter would not be. I guess I really set boundaries for my kids based on what I assume would embarrass me if I were them. We all know the saying about assumptions!
My big conclusion is that it is helpful to have some rules for what I will and will not post. I think it really does help me decide what to write about and how to make a conscious decision about whether or not I really want to share a particular story or divulge a particular piece of information. I am of the mindset that it's easier to be conservative in your posts than to try and take back what was written later on. Plus, as many speakers reiterated, once something is out there, it is out there even if you delete the post.
The nice thing about being a blogger and therefore being your own publisher and boss, is that you get to decide when the boundaries should change. As great as boundaries are, they will always mean that there are areas of your life that you can't ever talk about on your blog. It just depends on why you're blogging and who your audience is. Many speakers also reiterated something that the Big Giraffe tells me all the time...no matter how hard you try to be anonymous, you can never fully be anonymous. In other words, secret blogs aren't always so secretive after all unless they're password protected.
A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: We all have boundaries.
I love, love, love the bowling bumper metaphor!!! As for blogging about parents, some time ago, my mom admitted that she sometimes only reads my blog when she is the subject. She likes being a "blog star" of sorts. So maybe your kids will look at this and be proud to be the main players on your blog. Or maybe not. :)
I have boundaries also, but I think they are growing more relaxed as I know my regular readers more. That could definitely lead to problems if I'm not careful though. Lots of thought here.
Before BlogHer I thought I was an oversharer with few boundaries. Now, I feel like I've had significant boundaries mainly because I use my real name and I want to have real relationships with my family and friends. I don't want to cross their boundaries. Also, I don't want to cross my children's boundaries so I think I'm pretty careful and ask them if they care what I write about. I've had to delete a few blogs my husband found as crossing his boundaries though I didn't understand why he was offended. doesn't matter. He's uncomfortable so I've taken them down.
I missed this panel, so thanks for this perspective. I did want to attend.
I'm so not understanding the line (not yours, just the line in general) about our children, and that these are not our stories to tell. My kids are 3 and 8 months. If I don't tell the stories, they won't know 'em.
I wish I was better with metaphors and smilies. I'm finding in my short-time blogging that everything is up for posting ... until it really pisses someone off. Nice post.
Interesting post. You can read some of the strangest things on these blogs - I've discovered.
I told a "road side potty" story about my daughter when she was young - now in college. At the time, if I had shared that with people it would have embarrassed her. Now she told me that she read it at a meeting with a bnuch of her peers.
So, the situation varies from person to person, and age to age.
I dig the bowling bumper metaphor too! I'm not sure that I have any hard fast rules. I don't talk about sex much-- not on my blog and not in person either. I don't talk about what my hubby does. I don't ever use my children's real names, or my own, for that matter. Anyway, it's interesting to think about. Great post! (Some of us... um... missed BlogHer-- AGAIN. So this is very helpful!)
Jumping on the inflatable bumper bandwagon too. Love that metaphor.
I try and be respectful of family and friends and not use real names in order to protect them...beyond that I guess I kinda write whatever. At least whatever is of interest. When I talk about sex on my blog I doubt everyone wants to hear the nitty gritty details so I refrain but otherwise I do mention it occasionally
I have often heavily edited things, worrying that my mother-in-law will read it, and I'll be knocked off the pedastal that being the only person so far to provide grandchildren has placed me on :) Other than that, it's hard to balance not embarassing people with telling a REALLY funny story!
I'm someone who lacks personal boundaries but I try to be respectful of my friends and family. I blog very little about my husband and my kids know that I blog about them. If at any time they become uncomfortable I will stop.
Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.
I love, love, love the bowling bumper metaphor!!! As for blogging about parents, some time ago, my mom admitted that she sometimes only reads my blog when she is the subject. She likes being a "blog star" of sorts. So maybe your kids will look at this and be proud to be the main players on your blog. Or maybe not. :)