Cablegirl emailed me yesterday to tell me about a (Breast)feeding carnival that was happening over at Sarcastic Mom. When I checked out the link I realized that this carnival was the exact type of motherhood bonding that I'm always hoping to see: moms who breastfeed and moms who bottlefeed (or did/do both) get to tell their stories. How great is that? Sarcastic Mom gets a bottles up from Formula Fed and Flexible Parenting for that!
The posts were supposed to go up yesterday so excuse my tardiness. I've talked about my huge struggle with breastfeeding more than a few times here. I thought I would offer a different perspective now that my younger son is almost two and I've had some space from it.
I'm really glad that I tried breastfeeding both of my boys. With my older son (OS), it was a dark hole in my life. How then could I be glad that I did it? I'm glad because I know that I tried and that was important to me. Between his inability to latch and my barely existent milk supply from my breast reduction surgery (which I have never regretted) it just wasn't meant to be. That sounds much easier than it actually was. Really it was a long period of time where I just felt terrible about formula feeding.
When my younger son (YS) came along, his latch was beautiful. In fact it was so great, that the lactation consultant brought around a resident to see it. I know that sounds weird, but it was really affirming to me. YS and I had a wonderful breastfeeding experience together. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I cried myself to sleep when I was told that YS had lost significant weight and needed to be supplemented and I would lying if I didn't admit that I went to watch the nurse give him a bottle in the wee hours of the morning. I would also be lying though if I didn't admit how much relief I felt to see him look so content as his sucked on his bottle. When my milk supply cease to basically exist and I felt burdened by the pumping that was in reality giving me less than an ounce a pumping session, I packed it away, had one final nursing session and then that was it. I still struggled emotionally, but it was easier the second time around. When I had OS, bottle feeding was hard for me to talk about. When YS was 3 months old, I started this blog to be able to talk about what it was like.
Looking back, I wish that I could have really gotten it that my number one job was to make sure that my babies were fed. I also wish, particularly with OS, that I could have really gotten it that formula feeding has a beginning, a middle and an end. It goes on for a year more or less and that's it. End of story. Sure I would have preferred not to shell out cash for formula for a whole variety of reasons, but I haven't seen a bank statement yet where I've seen the "savings" from not formula feeding anymore. It's probably been pretty close to two years now since anyone has asked me whether or not my kids were breastfed. When they've been sick, which is rare, they've just been sick kids, not sick kids who were, gasp, formula fed. Again, there was a beginning, a middle and an end.
Looking back, I do feel like I lost those precious first few weeks with each my sons. Instead of feeling overjoyed, I felt sad and guilty. Instead of bonding during feedings, I was stressed out. So here's the controversial part of my post. Because of the way my breast reduction surgery affected my body, and based on my two births I know I'm never going to produce enough milk to sustain a baby past a week. I'm not planning on having any more kids. In fact my husband and I have given away our baby things. However, if I were to have a third, I probably would not attempt to breastfeed. If the mom to be "me" from 5 years ago heard that statement she would probably be horrified, but the mom who is me today looks back at those times and feels that to truly be the best mom she could be to a newborn, she can't engage in what she knows what would be a lost battle before it began. Hey, I even had a lactation consultant flat out tell me that "some women are not meant to breastfeed" and I was one of them. The mom that is me today now...now that I have some distance...finally understands this. More importantly the mom that is me today knows that each mom needs to decide for herself what is right.Labels: Breastfeeding, Feminism, Formula, Mom-Care |
I had a similar experience as you did with breastfeeding. And we are not having another child, but I often wonder if we did if I would try to nurse.