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Saturday, January 26, 2008

Being a Bad Parent

Last week I took my boys to the play center called Noodle Noggin and Bean that I mentioned in my last post. We met a friend and her two year old son there. All three boys had a blast. Before I knew it, lunch time had arrived. The boys were all cranky. My friend mentioned earlier that she was thinking of picking up McDonald's because she needed to get her oil changed after the playdate. When my kids started to lose it, I mentioned that I thought I would take the boys to McDonald's since we were already out and about and, hey we were already out together as a treat so why not go for a real bang? I don't remember who asked whom, but we decided to all go to McDonald's together. Shocking, right?

Actually it was. I have to say that there has been a consistent pattern to most of the playdates I've had over the past 4 years.
  1. Mom and kid(s) arrive between 9 am and 9:30 am.
  2. Playtime until 11 am.
  3. 11-12 lunch and more playtime.
  4. The playdate ends, and the kids take a nap.
Sometimes the playdate will be part of an outing. The schedule is pretty much the same except we pack our own lunches and eat at the outing location. Sometimes I've met other moms and their kids at a restaurant for lunch, but there had previously been only one friend whose family joined mine at McDonald's for lunch.

Honestly I'm not really sure why this is. It turned out to be one of my older son's (OS) all-time favorite playdates. I actually could relax eating lunch knowing that it wasn't a big deal if anything spilled or if my kids couldn't sit still. We all enjoyed the food. It was quick and easy. That made me think some more about why this is only the second friend I've done this with.

I happened to catch Suzanne on the phone once we were home and the kids were down for their post-playdate nap quiet time. She referred me to an article by Ayelet Waldman in New York Magazine called Why the Bad Mommy Brigade. Don't recognize the author's name? She received a ton of criticism for saying she loved her husband more than her children. I remember even having a huge discussion about her in my moms group. The article was definitely interesting, and I recommend it.

I definitely felt a connection to some of her ideas, but I think there are several reasons why I have been on so few multi-family McDonalds outings.
  1. I truly try to make it a special treat for my kids (hmm...that sounds a little defensive.)
  2. It's one thing for others including me to admit that we've taken our kids to McDonald's for that special rare treat, but when you go with someone else, suddenly there's accountability. Suddenly someone knows how special that special treat truly is. The implication is that special means rare, but it is no longer as vague and unclear a term. After all, special could mean twice a year or twice a week.
Seriously, whenever I've been in McDonald's, it's been filled with moms and their kids. In fact sometimes I've even been a little envious of those there playdates where the kids are clearly having a good time playing and the moms are clearly having a nice time chatting while watching the kids. No one looks stressed out. Yet, despite the fact that I always run into moms I know at the Y, the park, and the grocery store, only once have I run into a mom I know at McDonald's. Yet, I don't know many moms who don't admit that they take their kids there. I have heard moms say that it's germy, but I think that Y is right up there too. I'm thinking the drive-thru line.

This post isn't as deep as Waldman's article to say the least. I didn't agree that we necessarily feel condemned all the time as bad moms or that we embrace the idea of bad motherhood in rebellion. Of course this is completely subjective and it depends on who you're around. After all, I have written a lot about how I felt isolated because I wasn't able to breastfeed. Some women only know moms who bottle feed. Personally, I find that many of the moms I know both in the real world and in the blogosphere are able to say that they aren't the perfect parents. I find them willing to share stories illustrating that their kids aren't perfect. I think that parenting for many of us is like anything else in life; we're just somewhere in the middle. Some days we're great, and some days we're not. Or we're really good at reading stories and doing pretend play but hate doing crafts. Personally I'm a member of the Can't Bake Club. Around here, we're a rare breed. I've had the funniest conversations with people when they've admitted that they order their kids' birthday cakes:
Member of the Group (MOTG): I had to order a cake because I had the flu last week.
AE: I've always ordered cakes.
MG: Yeah, I have too!

Even my McDonald's visits comes in waves. We might frequent it a couple of times in a short periods and then we don't go again for a long time. So in case any of you are scoring my McDonald's treats, let me just help you along. Sadly, my great aunt past away a few days ago. She was 96, and her death was long and drawn out. It's a relief to everyone that she is at peace and we're at peace. So tomorrow I will be taking my first solo plane trip with both boys. We're headed out to Chicago for the week. The Big Giraffe will be joining us for the funeral and flying back with us despite what he thinks is a funny joke that he was unable to get on our flight. Our flight is at 11 am. You can bet your bottom dollar that my kids will be carrying Happy Meals on board...with those cheap toys too! Hopefully my kids will get at least 15 minutes out of them and hey, to me that's worth it right there.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Quality Parenting is subjective

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posted by Alex Elliot @ 8:36 PM   3 comments
3 Comments:

  • At 1/26/2008 10:18 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    I'm sorry about your great-aunt, Alex.

    And quite frankly, if my boys get what they always do at Mickey D's, which is four chicken nuggets, apples with dipping sauce, and choc. milk, I really don't see the harm in it once or twice a month.

    But I'm a live-and-let-live kinda parent.

     

  • At 1/26/2008 11:20 PM, Blogger Heather said…

    I hope the boys get some good stuff in their happy meals.

    We don't go to McDonalds very often, simply because we can't really afford to go out to eat very often! I wish we could go more. Of course it is also kind of a pain for me to take the kids. It's hard to break out of the old routine you know.

    I definitely don't think that taking kids to McDonalds makes you a bad parent!

     

  • At 1/27/2008 11:26 AM, Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said…

    Good parenting is totally subjective. And I think whatever works for your family is what works. If your kids are happy and healthy and good citizens (I mean this in a very general sense of the word) and you're not stressed out 24/7, then you're fine. ;-)

     
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Name:Alex Elliot
Home:MA, United States
About Me:Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
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For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.

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