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Monday, November 19, 2007

Let's Talk About Feminism

Today I got to be a guest speaker for a freshmen class at Simmons College. I was pretty excited about it. My friend teaches the class and was looking for someone to speak on the Mommy Wars. Of course I was thrilled when she invited me. She asked me to bring in a copy of the Mike and Juliette show and had her students read a couple of my blog posts on feminism and motherhood. We then discussed different issues and policies that mothers face. In preparation for the class, I asked her if I could have a copy of today's readings. One of the readings was the introduction from the book The Mommy Myth Idealization of Motherhood and How it Has Undermined Women by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith Michaels. I haven't enjoyed reading something that much in a long time. I really recommend it. It was thought provoking and at the same time, the authors definitely displayed a sense of humor.

Based on the clips and posts and the article, my friend asked her students what issues they thought moms face today. None of the students were married or had children. It was interesting to hear their responses both to the reading and to the clip. They made a lot of good points. However, as I listened to them and reflected on the reading, I had to wonder what has happened to feminism. Why do we have the Mommy Wars? The article talked about the increased pressure mothers have faced through the years from the media. One quote that seemed to sum it up for many of the students and me was, "You know, when our kids say 'all the other kids get to do it' we laugh in their face. But when the magazines suggest, 'All the other moms are doing this, are you?' we see ourselves being judged by the toughest critics out there: other mothers," (p. 19).

To me, feminism has always been about choice. It's been about believing that women are capable of making the decisions that are best for them and their families. It doesn't mean that we always like the choices of others or think that their choices are the right ones, but that we respect that their decisions are theirs to make. (Of course that openness assumes that these decisions aren't abusive.)

As a women's studies major and a woman who has always been fascinated by the roles of parenting in our society, I am always surprised by how many times smaller issues are part of a much larger problems. Yet they are not as easily seen as being part of a larger problem. Take for example formula feeding. There are many working women who want to breastfeed at work and/or pump at work, but are still often unable to do so because they lack adequate facilities or enough break time in the United States. Never mind women who are unable to fully establish a breastfeeding routine due to inadequate maternity leave.

One of the students offered another example. There is a lot of criticism of working parents whose schedules create latch-key kids. Given the prevalence of homes with two working parents in our society, shouldn't school schedules facilitate flexible parenting? No, the student did not encourage boarding school for preschoolers (although...); rather she suggested that pushing the start (and the end) of each school day back by an hour might make things far easier for both children and working parents.

One student described her negative impressions of mothers whose children have meltdowns in the grocery store. Of course, my children would never do this (I'm kidding.) While she seemed a little surprised when I said that temper tantrums at the grocery store are an undesirable but normal part of parenting. She seemed even more surprised that I said that I would like to see more fathers at the grocery store with their kids. That includes you Big Giraffe! Somehow I suspect that they would be given sympathetic looks. "Oh that poor overwhelmed dad. Isn't it nice that he's pitching in and taking the kids." On the other hand a mom would probably confront one of the following reactions:

An understanding smile from other parents who have been there too
A look of disdain or nasty remark for failing to control her kids
No reaction from oblivious customers do either to preoccupation with their own thoughts or lack of care. (Nothing wrong with this option!)

It definitely was an interesting discussion, and I am honored that I was able to be part of it.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Whether you believe in post-feminism or not, respecting other parents as people is important.

Labels: Breastfeeding, Child Health and Personal Care, Feminism, Formula

posted by Alex Elliot @ 9:23 PM 5 comments

5 Comments:

At 11/20/2007 10:28 AM, Kami said…

In Canada, we get a whole year of maternity leave... would I have breastfed if I had less.... probably not. It's hard enough nevermind throwing going back to work and pumping into the mix.

Anyway that was a bit off topic. What an interesting experience, and I have to say that until you have experienced the temper tantrum in the grocery store AS A MOTHER, you have NO idea!
At 11/20/2007 10:38 AM, Heather said…

Oh yeah. The girl that made the comment about the grocery store is soooo going to be eating her words when she has a kid. Karma.
At 11/21/2007 3:47 AM, Erin-ExpectingExecutive said…

Hi Alex! I have been lurking late at night (like tonight) but not commenting much. But, I have to chime in here. I absolutely hate, loathe, despise and reject the term "mommy wars". I honestly believe it was made up to sell some books and television airtime. Anyway, I know she's your friend, but I don't think "mommy wars" is a stellar college subject topic. That being said, it was really cool you were there and could shed some "mommy light" on the real world of motherhood. I blame so much of the misconceptions of motherhood on schmaltzy television advertising. Sorry darlin'. Kids have tantrums and exploding diapers and projectile vomiting at all of the wrong and most inconvenient times.
At 11/21/2007 12:14 PM, Chantelle said…

This is such a great post, Alex!
At 11/21/2007 1:49 PM, InTheFastLane said…

I like the comment about schools not thinking about working parents when creating schedules. My husband and I both work in schools so, we will always have this difficulty. But, I often think how blessed I am to have in-laws who can pick up my kids when there is another 1/2 day at school (these happen at least once a month). What about all the kids whose parents' do not have jobs that are that flexible or relatives that are wonderful?

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Name:	Alex Elliot
Home:	MA, United States
About Me:	Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
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For those of us who didn't get an instruction manual with our babies and for whom parenting hasn't always gone as planned. On a more serious note this blog is about supporting a woman's ability to make her own choices about parenting including the choice, for whatever reason, to bottle feed her babies formula.

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