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Monday, November 26, 2007

Feminists Have Good Sex

This morning I read a great post by Suzanne over at BlogHer. Basically, a study at Rutgers University found that feminists had great sex. Suzanne was surprised that this was a surprise. I was too. In fact, after commenting on Suzanne's post, I headed out for preschool drop-off and the grocery store and started to think about her post some more. Nothing like going through the aisles of the grocery store thinking about sex! O.K. parental units, in-laws, and Big Giraffe, recheck the title and decide whether or not you truly want to read the rest of this post.

It's no surprise to me that feminists have good sex because the core part of the definition of feminism is being able to stand up for yourself. Thus, it's by no means a stretch to think that feminists probably tend to be able to say what they do and don't like in bed as well as to be able to directly ask their partners how they can pleasure them. (Seriously, Fam if you're reading this and haven't already fallen off a chair, I advise you to stop now.) It's probably not that shocking then that sex would be a more fulfilling experience for both partners, and, if it's not, then both partners would work towards achieving that goal.

Of course this led me to think more about the feminists that I'm friends with in my real life. I realized, while walking around the produce section, that these are the friends with whom I talk about sex. Relax, Big Giraffe, if you are still reading. I'm not revealing any deep, dark, bedroom secrets. But I have had a number of conversations with my close friends, who not surprisingly identify as feminists, about the impact of birth control pills on sex drive (which ones are good and which ones are not), lubricants, how to have a great orgasm, masturbation, whether or not you can really feel a difference with condoms, and how to get back in the mood after having a baby and yes that was more than just a conversation about lighting candles and not wearing my maternity underwear to bed.

I am not claiming that feminist sex is always great or that those who are not feminists can't have good sex. My point is that I'm just not surprised by the study.

The Big Giraffe sometimes claims he can tell which group of friends I'm talking to on the phone based on the sound bytes as he passes by. Sex excerpts come from conversations with my feminist friends, child issue excerpts come from my mom friends (I do have mom friends who are feminists so I have both the former and later conversations with them), and the word vulva is only a part of conversations about exercise, or more specifically for readers who just did a double-take, conversations about spinning with feminist friends. How does a vulva issue ride on an exercise conversation? Well, let's just say that the two week adjustment rule was really true! Why only with feminist friends? Well, let's just say that greater openness about vaginal issues is not solely linked to discussions about sex, periods, and yeast infections; it applies to vaginally-oriented exercise discussions as well.

By this time, my wandering had appropriately brought me to the meat department, while my reflections went beyond the bedroom. I feel that attitudes towards sex can have an impact on how people talk about issues. For example when my book club read a book last year that dealt with the main character's sexuality, the discussion appeared awkward to me. I believe that discomfort with discussing sex created discomfort in the entire discussion. Yet when a good, feminist friend of mine later read my copy of the book, we had a fabulous conversation. (I'm going to be interviewing an author later on this week about the definition of sexuality, so stay tuned.)

Suzanne's overall point was that a lot of people don't like to hear anything positive about feminists. The study got no media attention in the United States. In fact, despite the fact that the writer of the article lives in NYC, he was only able to publish it in a British paper! The American media is happy to stereotype feminists as man-haters or those who are out to subjugate men, but when the facts demonstrate that most feminists live a lifestyle consistent with the value of gender equality, not reverse discrimination, there is suddenly media silence. To me, not only is that sad, but it encourages a rift between women (and men) who are equally supportive of gender equality but do not want to identify themselves as feminists because of the unfair media stereotype. To me, that's sad and unfair.

A. Elliot's Lesson Learned: Feminists and their partners tend to have great sex.

Labels: Feminism, Mom-Care

posted by Alex Elliot @ 5:59 PM 7 comments

7 Comments:

At 11/26/2007 8:37 PM, Kami said…

Interesting! I don't know if I would classify myself as a feminist but I certainly believe in honesty between partners. How else can it possibly result in great sex for both parties without it?

:-)
At 11/27/2007 8:54 AM, Chantelle said…

What about the feminist mommy friends?
At 11/27/2007 9:47 AM, Suzanne said…

I love that your thought about this in the produce department (I picture you surrounded by cucumbers and zucchinis) and then the meat department. Heh heh.

I also love the crazy bitch who left comments on the BlogHer post about how feminists need to stop wasting time talking about these things and focus on the abuse of women in other countries.

What I do not love is that I seem to have left a typo in that post. I realized the author does not live in NY, but merely reported the story from there. I thought I fixed it before I posted it, but I guess I didn't. Grrrr....
At 11/27/2007 1:18 PM, Worker Mommy said…

All I'm saying is Amen for women speaking up in bed - feminist or not.

It's important to get what you want in that arena!!! :) If its not happening make it happen.
At 11/27/2007 6:35 PM, Damselfly said…

Interesting article and points -- and also interesting that Big Giraffe can tell which group of friends you're talking to on the phone!
At 11/27/2007 9:11 PM, soccer mom in denial said…

While all excellent points (and brava to Suzanne for letting us know) I just love the running commentary about where you were mulling this over and asking the fam to stop reading!!
At 11/27/2007 10:03 PM, Lisa said…

Life is too short to have bad sex. Or at least be with a partner who doesn't CARE that the other is having bad sex. So yeah, it isn't a surprise, is it? :-)

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Name:	Alex Elliot
Home:	MA, United States
About Me:	Professional Mom of two cats, a dog, an ant farm, and oh yeah...two boys: a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Also found in my house is my husband who is known on this blog as The Big Giraffe.
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